Big Societies, UK Elections and digital P*sstakes

Marvellous - Tory "Call me Dave" Cameron comes up with "The Big Society", one of those nebulous Big Political Ideas that promises something for everyone (cf Labour's The Big Tent etc etc). This Big Society is a Tory Do it Yourself Utopia, and its up to everyone to self actualise for themself - in summary, though, its really promising control over very little - such as this piece in the Guardian notes:

David Cameron has invited us to "join the government of Britain". He pledges to put us into "the driving seat, to take the decisions that affect the life of our families and our communities ... We'll give you the power, so you can take control".

But control over what? His idea of the "big society" is pitched at minimising the power of the state, while doing nothing to give people the power to control the private, "free" market and the inequalities it produces.

This is of course far too good to leave unpoked, so the journalists and comedians had a go, and there was an article in the Grauniad on all this, about a UK comedian setting up your own town police force (no, I didn't think that was funny either, but hey he's a famous comedian)

So far so predictable.

What then happened is brilliant - the commenters, that is, YOU! - got involved on that article and the comments are brilliant - here goes:

- I have decided to set up a school in my shed.

- I've written my own manifesto in excrement on my neighbour's front door.

- I have a hosepipe so I can be the fireman for my street

- I'm going to collect tax on everyone who passes my house

- Insurrection indeed - inside every Tory there is a repressed little anarchist trying to rewrite the rules just for himself, his family and his beloved tax affairs.

- With my eyes on the big society prize, I'm going to set up a chain of dentists.

- I've decided to form an official chauffering service for when opportunistic wannabes cycle to parliament for photo op purposes and need some saddo to follow behind with their bags

- I've also come up with a Shit Tax: "Every time you poo, you pay..."

- And I'm franchising the Bullingdon Club for wannabe Sloanes and oikish social climbers from the provinces

- I've always thought Twitter was crap, but this is excellent.

- I don't like my neighbour so I'm going to deport him.

- I'm planning to get state funding for my Revolutionary Socialist Secondary School, Witney.

- I have created my own religion to help re-awaken broken britains spiritual side. Hopefully Cameron will join once he commits some heinous crimes against humanity and find his salvation. As leader of this religion I will half apolgise for crimes commited by my brotherhood in about 20 years time, obviously after assisting in covering them up.

- Could they really not see this coming? I'm going to be Minister without Portfolio, because as luck would have it I sold my last portfolio on e-bay last week

- I shall do my bit for broken Britain - I am going to organise a special mending evening. Those who don't want to be mended will be broken a little bit more.

- I'm tackling Britain's immigration policy by installing Total Wipeout - style obstacle courses at all our borders.

- I'm currently organising my community to sort out our roads. We will be installing toll booths on the roads in and out of the village in order to fund repair works. In the interim Mrs Harris has kindly volunteered to provide us with batches of her infamous rock cakes with which to fill our pot holes.

- I'm helping to teach self-sufficiency and IT skills by going home from my Helpdesk job an hour early.

- I have put in to be Ambassador to Belize

- Oh, this so reminds me of this. Strong communities, normal folk stepping up, doing the job of government! People who hate people, come together!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvM-WQP7SOw

- I'm setting up alternative CiF boards devoted to trolling.

- I'm going to catch myself in my own benefits trap.

- I am disgusted that most of these comments are mocking Mr Cameron's attempt to drag our society out of the gutter, where it has lain blind drunk and senseless in a pool of its own vomit, faeces and urine for the past 30 years. Forget crucifying an old lady for eating her own biscuits in an M&S cafe, you people are now on the list for flaying alive on 6th May. You will all learn, no matter what it takes. The purges of Stalin will look like a tea party and May will forever be known as the month of blood, cleansing and renewal.

- I'm going to rack up some huge debts. Then you can all bail me out so I can do it again.

- I am going to tax all foreigners living abroad. The only people living abroad exempt from tax will be UK citizens with incomes in excess of £1 million pa. Its the Tory way!

- Re: I'm going to collect tax on everyone who passes my house < Glad to hear Goldman Sachs are still hiring.

- RE: I've also come up with a Shit Tax: "Every time you poo, you pay..." < Surely that should be Pay Per Poo?

- So far I've managed to arrest a teenager for showing his pants above his trousers, a middle ages women for talking about Eastenders and the state of her hair, and our local priest for being a nazi sympathiser and suspected paedophile. Vote for me.

- I'm going to allow you all the chance to sex up some dossiers.

- I don't know why you lot are so sarcastic and bitter, i'm going to help david (call me dave) to fix broken britain with some hollow rhetoric.

- I'm going to set up a school that charges £30,000 a term and call it a charity [ie a public school - Ed]
.
- I've set up my own dole office and have sent myself 24 P45's today allowing a twenty minute waiting time between seeing myself, may reduce wait to fifteen minutes tomorrow to improve targets although paper shortage imminent.

- As of Friday lunchtime we are driving on the right-hand side of the road.

- I'm setting up a co-operative to float the local library on the FTSE. Of course these digital times mean we'll have to diversify so we'll be tendering for the tramp storage and cold OAP contracts. Should be plenty of opportunity in the coming months.

Social media doesn't get better than this