The Broadstuff review of the iPad

This review is in 3 parts. Firstly, technically, we can say that the iPad is:

- a tablet computer
- that plays TV
- it works like an iPhone except it won't make phone calls.
- it's bloody expensive for what it is
- you just know the next generation will be much cheaper, with all the slots, a keyboard, and be able to access the whole internet, and change the battery or anything else that needs replacing. They will be called lapphones or smartbooks or something like that

Thats all you need to know about it technically. Now, let us look at it socio-behaviourally, because this thing is not about the Technology. It's about belonging to the faith (aka being able to show the length of your fanboi d*ck). Consider the behaviour traits:

- You can walk into PC World and just buy one, but instead why not queue for 12 hours outside the Apple store?
- The demographic early owner is 92 % men
- Of the 92 per cent men in the queue 16 per cent had beards.
- 36 per cent were aged 26 – 39. 18 – 25s were the next largest group with 26 per cent. 11 per cent were older than Steve Jobs at 56 or over.
- 44 per cent in the queue had ever tried an iPad before. The majority – 56 per cent were buying the product based on reviews, international success and a blind faith in Apple products.

Most people said they would use it for browsing the internet, or reading, or work etc but its really just so they can tell other people that they have one on Twitter, and say existentialist things like:

The question is not—and never has been—do you need an iPad. The question is after you've had one, would you miss it. The answer is yes.

The third part of this review is to explain this phenomenon of the pathos of geek love, and how a closed, branded product makes right-on people who during the week opine for Open Source and Anti Capitalism etc etc go weak at their trembling knees for a bit of fluffy overhyped locked up tech bling. I turn to the Metrosexual Poseur's Gospel, "Stuff White People Like", Verse 20, "Apple Products":

Plain and simple, white people don’t just like Apple, they love and need Apple to operate.

On the surface, you would ask yourself, how is that white people love a multi-billion dollar company with manufacturing plants in China, mass production, and that contributes to global pollution through the manufacture of consumer electronic devices?

Simple answer: Apple products tell the world you are creative and unique. They are an exclusive product line only used by every white college student, designer, writer, English teacher, and hipster on the planet.

It is also important that white people are reminded of their creativity, and remember you need a Mac to creatively check email, creatively check websites, and creatively watch DVDs on planes.

White people also need iPods, iPhones, Apple TV, AirPort Express stations, and anything else that Apple will produce. Because you need to express your uniqueness by purchasing everything that a publicly traded company produces.

Here endeth the lesson. And that'll be £600 please - I need to get mine too